book thoughts: anxious people by fredrik backman
about the realization that amidst our personal chaos and anxieties, there exists a shared space where we celebrate resilience and the conscious effort to heal
“They say that a person’s personality is the sum of their experiences. But that isn’t true, at least not entirely, because if our past was all that defined us, we’d never be able to put up with ourselves. We need to be allowed to convince ourselves that we’re more than the mistakes we made yesterday. That we are all of our next choices, too, all of our tomorrows.” –Anxious People, Fredrik Backman
I get the overall message of the book, even though it took me some time to grasp the concept and the writing, which was unusual compared to my previous Backman reads. Spoiler alert: Backman made me shed some tears again. Anxious People, despite how bizarre it will sound, is a novel where a group of anxious people were forced into 'hostage-taking' isolation due to a failed robbery. I won't do a deep dive and critique the events that took place in the book, but I will focus on the messages within it, which are, after all, the ones that pulled my heartstrings.
I do not in any way glorify having anxiety, but as someone who has been living with it my entire life, this book does serve as a very needed reminder that reached me at the most perfect time in my life. Everything has always been terrifying to me—well, for the first time, at least. Going to the cinema alone, driving to farther places, riding the bus, extracting a tooth from a child patient, and an endless list of scary first times. My mind has always been clouded with questions like, "Am I doing this right?" "Am I going to regret doing or not doing this?" "Am I being odd or too much?" "Did I choose the right path or decision?" and "Did I say the right thing?" and so much more; it's a never-ending questioning of every little move I'll make. The thing is—as this book was all about—anxiety, mental health struggles, and the countless ways we doubt and question our life choices are part of being human; it is a universal experience. Anxiety, as I like to see it now, is a friend who is ever-present in my daily life; it reminds me to be cautious and to take an intentional pause every once in a while to overthink things, which is not always an inherently bad thing. As someone who's in my early years of navigating adulthood, it can feel lonely and isolating—having to deal with everything yourself, find out how the whole world works, and be your own support system. But this is the only way to venture, for my dream life isn't woven into a day; it will demand that I go through peaks and valleys.
It's also hopeful that the power of our connection to our loved ones served as a beacon of hope and strength in this book. I could not emphasize enough how my friendships help me win battles over my own mind through the ways they still love me when my mind is plagued with anxieties and the way they tend to me even more when life gets the best of me. Those conversations were shared over coffee or while laying in front of the beach when we were just talking about our own dilemmas, the storms we're trying to fight through, and the varied ways we cope. During those moments, I realized that amidst our personal chaos and anxieties, there exists a shared space where we celebrate resilience and the conscious effort to heal, sit with our pain, and acknowledge that love can be fostered outside of it.
I, myself, think that all these uncertainties and worries aren't going away, and we have to find the most patient and understanding ways to carry them out in the best way we can. I will never know how to do it like others do, but I will anchor myself to the fact that I will figure it out on my own and that how I exist in the world isn't always going to be perfect and desirable, but nevertheless, I will continue to take space. I will disappoint myself and other people. I will, from time to time, break free from the vision and expectations I have for myself, but at the end of the day, if this is the only way I will grow, fill my time, and find a sense of purpose, then so be it. I really just hope I will cultivate a heart that never gets tired of seeking joy and magic, despite the ever-changing truth of my reality.
Just like this book, being part of the anxious crowd isn't the highlight of our stories—the darkness will always haunt and linger around—it is something that is completely out of our grasp. But listen, there is so much beauty, wonder, friendships, and love, as well as endless worthwhile things to fill our narratives. I believe in my heart that these could overpower my anxieties and that they are more than enough to fuel my spirit for the upcoming tomorrows.
𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙞𝙣𝙜: 3.5 stars ★favorite excerpts compilation
“We don't have a plan, we just do our best to get through the day, because there'll be another one coming along tomorrow.”
“We give those we love nicknames, because love requires a word that belongs to us alone.”
“Nothing is easier for people who never do anything themselves than to criticize someone who actually makes an effort.”
“We're trying to be grown-up and love each other and understand how the hell you're supposed to insert USB leads. We're looking for something to cling on to, something to fight for, something to look forward to. We're doing all we can to teach our children how to swim. We have all of this in common, yet most of us remain strangers, we never know what we do to each other, how your life is affected by mine.
Perhaps we hurried past each other in a crowd today, and neither of us noticed, and the fibers of your coat brushed against mine for single moment and then we were gone. I don't know who you are.
But when you get home this evening, when this day is over and the night takes us, allow yourself a deep breath. Because we made it through this day as well. There'll be another one along tomorrow.”“Because the terrible thing about becoming an adult is being forced to realize that absolutely nobody cares about us, we have to deal with everything ourselves now, find out how the whole world works. Work and pay bills, use dental floss and get to meetings on time, stand in line and fill out forms, come to grips with cables and put furniture together, change tires on the car and charge the phone and switch the coffee machine off and not forget to sign the kids up for swimming lessons. We open our eyes in the morning and life is just waiting to tip a fresh avalanche of "Don't Forget!"s and "Remember!"s over us. We don't have time to think or breathe, we just wake up and start digging through the heap, because there will be another one dumped on us tomorrow. We look around occasionally, at our place of work or at parents' meetings or out in the street, and realize with horror that everyone else seems to know exactly what they're doing. We're the only ones who have to pretend. Everyone else can afford stuff and has a handle on other stuff and enough energy to deal with even more stuff. And everyone else's children can swim.”
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